May 17, 2002
@ 12:58 AM
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Return of the Jedi Revisited
So we find out that the imperial Storm Troopers are all actually clones of Jango Fett who is so badass he kills Jedis. Yet these same Storm Troopers got their asses whupped by a bunch of furry little fuzzballs (also known as Ewoks) using sticks & stones a few years later. How does this make any sense?

Now that we've learned that the Storm Troopers all have speeded up aging coupled with the fact that the battle with the Ewoks happens twenty or more years after their prime, it follows that they were effectively the equivalent of senior citizens and retirees when they fought the Ewoks.

Thus the phenomenal ass kicking the Imperial Storm Troopers faced at the hands of the Ewoks is thus explained.

Some have argued that the storm troopers sounded young in Episodes IV-VI when they spoke while others have remarked that a fresh batch of clones could have been cooked up after the Clone Wars. To this I reply suspension of disbelief. :)

Below is a top ten list entitled Top 10 Things I learned from Attack of the Clones that circulated around MSFT this morning that was originally compiled by Dan Charlson.

1. There are no police, or more importantly, traffic cops or highway patrol officers, on Coruscant. Endangering pedestrians and other vehicles is just "no big deal."

2. Six-year old Jedi trainees are so capable with their light sabres that you can group them very tightly together -- even wearing "blast shield helmets" -- and have them swing away at training beacons without any concerns for safety.

3. Saruman can wield a mean light sabre -- although thankfully, he hasn't forgotten how to use telekinesis (but why didn't he do some more body-slamming?!? Wait -whaddyou mean this is Star Wars...?)

4. Just because you put a homing device on your opponent's getaway vehicle does NOT mean you shouldn't also follow him or her into a really dangerous asteroid belt instead of just waiting for him or her to come out the other side (you have a tracking device, remember!) -- of course, on the other hand, flying through asteroid belts at high speed is required in the Star Wars universe. [Thanks to JLyle for this one.]

5. The GSO -- Galactic Standards Organization (the future counterpart to the ISO and W3.org) -- has been so successful that not only have ALL major industrial manufacturers adopted the same data access, networking, and transfer protocols throughout the Republic, but so have secret, guerilla arms factories -- and besides, those same factories wouldn't use security software or electronic countermeasures to defend themselves against network intrusions anyway.

6. Even though the Republic has scads of enormous, elongated wedge-shaped Star Destroyers, you should never put them into high orbit around a planet and use them to prevent enemy starships from taking off, let alone using them offensively as long-range artillery weapons against enemy ground forces. Pitting land force against land force is pretty much the best way to go -- you can always make or get more robot or clone soldiers...

7. C3PO is so well-designed that there are power cells in every major constituent of his body -- including his head. [Thanks to JacobJ for this one.]

8. You don't need to wear a helmet or even goggles while you drive hovercraft, land speeders, or other flying vehicles in a desert environment such as Tatooine.

9. Little Boba Fett is so accustomed to seeing his dad's face only behind his cool helmet that it just wouldn't occur to him to lift the visor or remove the helmet to look at his poor dead dad's decapitated visage (try saying that three times fast!).

10. One's reputation, manner, and conduct just can't be guessed by observation alone -- you need to have a name which transparently broadcasts to all but the stupidest that you're not a nice person: Darth Sidious, Lord Tyranno, Count Dooku (?!?) -- not to mention Darth Maul, etc....

11. Who's the biggest, baddest dude of the whole Galaxy? He's short, he's green, he has thinning hair, and nope -- he doesn't _really_ need that walking stick after all...
 

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